||[Mar. 18th, 2009|12:19 pm]
The Zatara Diaries
|||||Paris 2004: Peter Bjorn and John||]|
11:29 AM I honestly cannot believe there is a tiger in this basement. What the hell, Zatanna. What the hell. I suppose I’ll have to eat my breakfast and pretend there isn’t a giant cat with teeth downstairs. What if it eats my rabbits? I like my rabbits. I do not want them eaten by tigers.
11:31 AM You know, this isn’t the sort of thing I should have to worry about. I mean, generally my rabbits are very easy to care for, providing there is a little bit of magic involved. They live in my hatbox and have a steady diet of fresh vegetables given to them every day. I have arranged matters so that I don’t actually have to do anything, as far as they are concerned. However, introduce large predators and my whole system is undermined. I must safeguard my hatbox immediately. Perhaps I shall put spikes on it.
11:36 AM The rabbits are safe. I can eat my breakfast in peace.
12:03 PM Time to copy down spells, unless something else decides to come up and interfere with my day. Any more exotic pets? No? Good.
12:10 PM Today I get to learn about poultices, apparently, since this whole next chapter seems to involve them. Okay, I suppose I can understand why a medieval witch would think this was a good idea, but surely whoever translated this could have done without? Perhaps if they spent as much time teaching editing as they did Latin back then, although the Latin certainly came in handy, obviously. Whatever. Skip.
12:12 PM Turns out these are magic poultices. I apologize, whoever translated this. Your nineteenth century editing skills do hold up to my rigorous standards.
1:51 PM Okay, I now have twelve sleep-inducing poultices. I doubt I’ll need anymore, and I really can’t be bothered to copy out the recipe. This whole education thing is getting very old very fast. I really must get around to calling Zatanna. What the hell is she doing, anyway? If she is hanging around that foul Constantine man, I will be very upset. I will be very upset indeed.
1:54 PM Not like she has a lot of other options, though. Her track record is frankly abysmal. I have had better luck with men than her, and I’m seventeen. And by “I have had better luck” I mean I’ve gotten laid in the past six months. Quite honestly, I don’t understand it. She is not an unattractive woman. I have been told on multiple occasions that she is, in fact, smokin’ hot. Perhaps she should investigate that Bruce Wayne fellow. I believe they went to school together? I’ve always understood him to be a responsible businessman; the papers really are unkind to him. The man adopts underprivileged children! He is entitled to a good party every once in a while, much like Angelina Jolie. But you just love her, don’t you? Fucking tabloids. Quit one superteam and all of a sudden you’re trading your God-given duty for a life of freewheeling glamour and celebrity and shaming the great magician whose mantle you have chosen to bear. Um, sorry, but Zatanna goes on tour too, and you don’t go on and on about how she’s a traitor to the magic community. I mean, you never make this big a deal when she goes off of active duty—maybe if I wore fishnets. I would look hot in fishnets. Better than Zatanna, that’s for damn sure. No offense Zatanna, if you’re reading this, but you aren’t getting any younger, no matter how many magic salves and face creams you use. God, I hope you aren’t reading this.
1:55 PM Yeah. So, in other news, Eddie continues to be hot. Have I gone on about how hot he is yet today? Rest assured, I still want to sleep with him. Very badly, in fact. I can scarcely think of anything I’d enjoy more than sleeping with Eddie right at this very moment. Mmm. Be right back.
2:10 PM Back. So what have I learned today? Aside from the poultices, only one of which was really useful, by the way. Um…not much, actually. I might as well call Zatanna now and get it over with. That woman is chatty like no other.
3:36 PM Well, that was a lovely little talk we had there. Turns out she was worried about me, which I suppose has to do more with the kidnapping than anything else. This, of course, meant that she talked my ear off for over an hour. Anyway, long story short, she’s busy doing something important that I didn’t really pay attention to but she’s emailing me a copy of this manuscript she’s been working on, sort of a cross between a self-help book and a magical tome, it sounds like. This means I have to check my email, something I haven’t really done in a while. It must be piling up. In fact, I do believe I haven’t checked it since well before I was kidnapped. Oh God. I should get Bunny on it. I’ll go call her. And call Eddie too, while I’m at it.
6:09 PM Eddie tells me the next Tiny Titans is going to have me in it. This is an exciting development, I must say. He promises to TiVo it for me. Actually, what he said was they TiVoed all the episodes, and we can watch it together when I’m in town. Normally I would be inclined to get my hopes up, but this is Eddie, and he would probably include his good friend Jaime who he just loves so much. Honestly, I have never met a boy as clueless as him. Does he even know what he sounds like half the time? It’s blatantly ridiculous. I fail to see how a boy hung around movie sets for half his life could possibly have gone so long without encountering so much as a single, solitary clue. I’ve been to LA. There are clues posted on every street corner. They practically hand them out. There is absolutely no reason for Eddie to be so dense about these things. I think I need to come on a little stronger if I want us to hook up in the next five years. Hm. I’ve already bought him presents, which is not something I often feel the need to do. Perhaps a few more presents? I don’t want to be that guy. I call him every day, for God’s sake. I’m beginning to understand why that Ravager girl practically did a striptease for him, although I maintain that it was a bad idea. I need to think about this.
6:14 PM Oh! I invited him to Chicago with me for Oprah, didn’t I?
6:15 PM Yes. Yes I did. I will woo him there. I will, as they say, put the wooing on him. It will be marvelous.
6:17 PM Have I had dinner? Have I, for that matter, had lunch? God, I’m starving.
7:43 PM Now I believe I will read that manuscript. Forgive me if I don’t take notes on this one. I had enough of that yesterday and besides, I can write in the margins. Eventually I will write down that poultice recipe, though. Just—not today. Possibly tomorrow? We’ll see.
8:01 PM Huh. Zatanna’s not a bad writer. She’s actually quite good. Must have been all of those ancient books. Interesting.